Sunday School was interesting today. I was scheduled to teach the children's class, but there was only one child, so the eight year old and I stayed with the one adult class (which also had very light attendance today). The five of us - me, my parents, the eight year old, and her dad - watched the five minute NOOMA video that the adult class was to be discussing.
The video was ironically timed for me. Lately I've been struggling over who I am and what I believe, how others see me and how I want to identify myself. Questioning my beliefs has led to questioning the essences of who I am. I've taken personality tests, poured my heart out on paper, and struggled to write honestly, all in hopes of understanding me just a little better. The video we watched was about just that: finding and claiming your true identity - your name and who you really are - under all the labels.
I was intrigued by the image of everyone in the video taking off layers of shirts, each with a different label to reveal that they all had simply "name" on their backs, as the video talked about your name being who you are. After watching the video we had a great discussion on names, labels, identities, and people pretending to be things they're not. Though I'm still seeking out who I am it was a neat class.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas Magic
Remember Christmas as a kid? The hyper excitement? Not being able to sleep, but being afraid Santa wouldn't come unless you did? Waking up and realizing it was Christmas day?
When I was a kid we were never allowed to see our gifts until Mom and Dad were up. If we woke up before they did we were allowed to go to the bathroom or each others bedrooms, but we weren't allowed in the living room or whatever room the tree was in.
My brother was always the morning person in the family, but the excitement of Christmas made it easier for me to wake up than other mornings. With whispering and creaking footsteps we'd try to sneak peaks at the tree. There was something magical about waking up knowing the tree we'd carefully decorated would be surrounded by gifts, and the stockings we'd bickered over would be filled with candy, batteries, chapstick, and assorted "little things."
As kids we didn't question the magic of Christmas, simply anticipating the day made the magic real. Somewhere along the line - perhaps when we started to see the gifts Mom and Dad slipped into shopping carts, perhaps when they in inadvertently showed us a tape of them wrapping our Christmas gifts, or perhaps just when we got too old to believe everything we were told - somewhere believing in the magic turned to pretending to believe in the magic. I've considered myself "too old" to believe in things like Santa Clause for a long time, but even in the years I declared "I know where those presents really came from!" there was something magic about seeing gifts around the tree for the first time on Christmas morning.
This year I found myself wanting to hang onto that magic.
I woke up to the smell of coffee, and the sound of my parents in the kitchen. I've never liked the taste of coffee, but I love the smell of it, and waking up to the smell of coffee always makes me think of family time. Though we're no longer banished to our room until everyone is awake, I found myself not wanting to get out of bed. Nestling in my blankets I breathed in the smell of my parents coffee, and smiled at the realization it was Christmas day. As long as I stayed in bed the anticipation made the magic real. And who doesn't want to believe in a little magic?
When I was a kid we were never allowed to see our gifts until Mom and Dad were up. If we woke up before they did we were allowed to go to the bathroom or each others bedrooms, but we weren't allowed in the living room or whatever room the tree was in.
My brother was always the morning person in the family, but the excitement of Christmas made it easier for me to wake up than other mornings. With whispering and creaking footsteps we'd try to sneak peaks at the tree. There was something magical about waking up knowing the tree we'd carefully decorated would be surrounded by gifts, and the stockings we'd bickered over would be filled with candy, batteries, chapstick, and assorted "little things."
As kids we didn't question the magic of Christmas, simply anticipating the day made the magic real. Somewhere along the line - perhaps when we started to see the gifts Mom and Dad slipped into shopping carts, perhaps when they in inadvertently showed us a tape of them wrapping our Christmas gifts, or perhaps just when we got too old to believe everything we were told - somewhere believing in the magic turned to pretending to believe in the magic. I've considered myself "too old" to believe in things like Santa Clause for a long time, but even in the years I declared "I know where those presents really came from!" there was something magic about seeing gifts around the tree for the first time on Christmas morning.
This year I found myself wanting to hang onto that magic.
I woke up to the smell of coffee, and the sound of my parents in the kitchen. I've never liked the taste of coffee, but I love the smell of it, and waking up to the smell of coffee always makes me think of family time. Though we're no longer banished to our room until everyone is awake, I found myself not wanting to get out of bed. Nestling in my blankets I breathed in the smell of my parents coffee, and smiled at the realization it was Christmas day. As long as I stayed in bed the anticipation made the magic real. And who doesn't want to believe in a little magic?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I believe.... in something
I consider myself Christian, and have attended a Christian church since I was about nine. I'm comfortable in my church home, but there are some foundational beliefs in the Christian faith that I can't help but question on occasion. In fact about the only thing I can say with certainty about my faith is that I believe there is some form of God.
Though spirituality is important to me, not being able to identify the specifics about my personal faith doesn't usually bother me. Every once in a while I get the feeling that maybe I'm not being truly honest with myself when I say I'm a Christian, but my church is a big part of my life and the church I belong to allows plenty of room for diverse understandings of faith, so I easily accept that this is where I best belong right now, even if it doesn't totally represent my personal beliefs.
Perhaps because I'm so uncertain about how to classify my own beliefs, I'm easily intrigued by other religions and other peoples faith journeys. After seeing a friend post her results to a quiz about religious beliefs, I decided to check out the quiz (http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx ).
The Belief-O-Matic quiz is supposed to tell you what religion you practice (or should practice). Naturally, I put my results below, but I was particularly intrigued by the first suggestion. I don't know much about Wicca and other Pagan beliefs, but the more I learn about them the more they seem to align with my own beliefs. I particularly like one Wiccan description I read of God and Goddess, which could have been my own description of God and the Holy Spirit (which for as long as I remember I've seen as distinctly female) put in writing.
Though spirituality is important to me, not being able to identify the specifics about my personal faith doesn't usually bother me. Every once in a while I get the feeling that maybe I'm not being truly honest with myself when I say I'm a Christian, but my church is a big part of my life and the church I belong to allows plenty of room for diverse understandings of faith, so I easily accept that this is where I best belong right now, even if it doesn't totally represent my personal beliefs.
Perhaps because I'm so uncertain about how to classify my own beliefs, I'm easily intrigued by other religions and other peoples faith journeys. After seeing a friend post her results to a quiz about religious beliefs, I decided to check out the quiz (http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainm
The Belief-O-Matic quiz is supposed to tell you what religion you practice (or should practice). Naturally, I put my results below, but I was particularly intrigued by the first suggestion. I don't know much about Wicca and other Pagan beliefs, but the more I learn about them the more they seem to align with my own beliefs. I particularly like one Wiccan description I read of God and Goddess, which could have been my own description of God and the Holy Spirit (which for as long as I remember I've seen as distinctly female) put in writing.
| 1. | Neo-Pagan (100%) |
| 2. | Unitarian Universalism (92%) |
| 3. | Liberal Quakers (89%) |
| 4. | Reform Judaism (84%) |
| 5. | Mahayana Buddhism (79%) |
| 6. | New Age (78%) |
| 7. | Jainism (75%) |
| 8. | Baha'i Faith (69%) |
| 9. | Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (67%) |
| 10. | Sikhism (65%) |
| 11. | Theravada Buddhism (61%) |
| 12. | Secular Humanism (59%) |
| 13. | Taoism (58%) |
| 14. | Orthodox Judaism (55%) |
| 15. | Hinduism (55%) |
| 16. | New Thought (53%) |
| 17. | Orthodox Quaker (53%) |
| 18. | Islam (49%) |
| 19. | Scientology (48%) |
| 20. | Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (34%) |
| 21. | Nontheist (34%) |
| 22. | Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (28%) |
| 23. | Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (27%) |
| 24. | Seventh Day Adventist (25%) |
| 25. | Eastern Orthodox (19%) |
| 26. | Roman Catholic (19%) |
| 27. | Jehovah's Witness (13%) |
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Striking up a Dialogue
The past couple of months I've been working on a writing project. A few weeks ago I sent an early draft of it to a writing buddy, and when she sent it back to me nearly every place there were people she said "Again, I want to see actual dialogue here."
After the initial frustration of wondering what was wrong with my dialogue, and reading a few examples of what dialogue should look like, I set to work rewriting every snippet of conversation into "actual" dialogue. It was frustrating as hell to rewrite all my dialogue. Complaining to my writing buddy about what a pain it is to write dialogue, I stared at the same paragraphs until I couldn't see straight trying to turn them into something my writing buddy wouldn't give me grief about.
I complained a lot, and gave my writing buddy a good deal of grief for essentially telling me my dialogue wasn't real. I think I even told her I hated writing dialogue, but in the end I was glad she pushed me. Somewhere between being ready to cry in frustration over lousy dialogue, and sending my writing buddy a new draft with updated dialogue, I saw my story coming together like I've never seen my own writing coming together before.
I've never really tried to write dialogue before. I've never really tried to write anything before. I've written things, for school or just because, and been proud of some of the things I've written, but I've never had to work this hard or try so much to write something and not given up on it. In the past if something was really truly challenging to write, or if someone pointed out flaws in my writing, I was quick to decide whatever I was writing was just crap anyway.
With lots of encouragement from a few writing buddies, I challenged myself to write more than ever, and then pushed myself to make it even better. There were moments I didn't know how I could make it through the frustrations of rewriting, but the result was incredible. I still can't believe how much a little rearranging and working on the dialogue pulled my project together.
After working so hard it's amazing to see this coming together. It's wonderful to see the result of the work I put into this, and as much as I might have complained about it, I'm so grateful for friends who push me, and glad I've taken on this challenge.
After the initial frustration of wondering what was wrong with my dialogue, and reading a few examples of what dialogue should look like, I set to work rewriting every snippet of conversation into "actual" dialogue. It was frustrating as hell to rewrite all my dialogue. Complaining to my writing buddy about what a pain it is to write dialogue, I stared at the same paragraphs until I couldn't see straight trying to turn them into something my writing buddy wouldn't give me grief about.
I complained a lot, and gave my writing buddy a good deal of grief for essentially telling me my dialogue wasn't real. I think I even told her I hated writing dialogue, but in the end I was glad she pushed me. Somewhere between being ready to cry in frustration over lousy dialogue, and sending my writing buddy a new draft with updated dialogue, I saw my story coming together like I've never seen my own writing coming together before.
I've never really tried to write dialogue before. I've never really tried to write anything before. I've written things, for school or just because, and been proud of some of the things I've written, but I've never had to work this hard or try so much to write something and not given up on it. In the past if something was really truly challenging to write, or if someone pointed out flaws in my writing, I was quick to decide whatever I was writing was just crap anyway.
With lots of encouragement from a few writing buddies, I challenged myself to write more than ever, and then pushed myself to make it even better. There were moments I didn't know how I could make it through the frustrations of rewriting, but the result was incredible. I still can't believe how much a little rearranging and working on the dialogue pulled my project together.
After working so hard it's amazing to see this coming together. It's wonderful to see the result of the work I put into this, and as much as I might have complained about it, I'm so grateful for friends who push me, and glad I've taken on this challenge.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Blah...
I've been feeling kind of blah the past couple of weeks. I haven't been getting nearly as much sleep as I should, so I've been continually tired, and whatever the reason I've been kind of depressed.
The other day my preschool class watched the Charlie Brown Christmas show, and listening to it while I set up for lunch I kept thinking Charlie Brown has a whole new meaning when you're feeling melancholy.
It's one of those shows that's on every year, so naturally I've seen the show more than a few times. As a kid I remember watching it with my family, but I never understood the deeper meaning of it. I though it was cute how everybody came together for Christmas, but I didn't understand Charlie Brown's loneliness in not feeling happy about Christmas.
I'm trying to feel the Christmas spirit, but it's just not coming naturally this year. And it's a lonely feeling when you're not feeling all jolly and cheerful for Christmas.
The other day my preschool class watched the Charlie Brown Christmas show, and listening to it while I set up for lunch I kept thinking Charlie Brown has a whole new meaning when you're feeling melancholy.
It's one of those shows that's on every year, so naturally I've seen the show more than a few times. As a kid I remember watching it with my family, but I never understood the deeper meaning of it. I though it was cute how everybody came together for Christmas, but I didn't understand Charlie Brown's loneliness in not feeling happy about Christmas.
I'm trying to feel the Christmas spirit, but it's just not coming naturally this year. And it's a lonely feeling when you're not feeling all jolly and cheerful for Christmas.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Rediscovering
For years journaling has helped me to cope with challenges and emotions I didn't want to deal with. Through the most difficult parts of my life I've always kept journals, and always carefully hid them, keeping them as a secret haven for my emotions. As a teenager I realized the power of private writing, but as a young adult with with a full time job and other commitments, I haven't really kept a journal, and quite frankly haven't thought much about writing until recently.
In mid October conversations with a friend prompted me to take on a challenging "little" writing project. In working on that project the past month and a half I've rediscovered the power of writing, and come to appreciate the act of writing more than ever. I've embraced the challenge of writing again.
Being more ambitious with my writing than in the past, I'm also trying to embrace the challenge of sharing what I write. Much of my writing in the past has been closely guarded with shrouds of secrecy, and what I did let people see was often the meaningless drivel kind of writing I didn't really put myself into.
So this blog is where I'm attempting to really write - not to write to meet an agenda, not to write the meaningless drivel my attempts at writing fiction always turn into, not to write what I think people want to read, but to really write. Here is where I plan to write what I need to write, because I've realized I do have stories to tell, I can really write, and there is a point to writing.
In mid October conversations with a friend prompted me to take on a challenging "little" writing project. In working on that project the past month and a half I've rediscovered the power of writing, and come to appreciate the act of writing more than ever. I've embraced the challenge of writing again.
Being more ambitious with my writing than in the past, I'm also trying to embrace the challenge of sharing what I write. Much of my writing in the past has been closely guarded with shrouds of secrecy, and what I did let people see was often the meaningless drivel kind of writing I didn't really put myself into.
So this blog is where I'm attempting to really write - not to write to meet an agenda, not to write the meaningless drivel my attempts at writing fiction always turn into, not to write what I think people want to read, but to really write. Here is where I plan to write what I need to write, because I've realized I do have stories to tell, I can really write, and there is a point to writing.
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