Things I Saved

Prompt: These are the things I saved.

Bits and projects,

stones and shells,

a stack of tee shirts,

I won't ever wear again,

a million papers,

my best artwork,

middle school essays,

my high school portfolio,

“important stuff”

that means nothing to me

- tax forms and pay stubs

from old jobs

snips of writing,

quotes from random places

- most I've forgotten why I saved,

but still make me smile,

relics of childhood,

and teenage years,

stuff in itself unimportant,

yet glued to precious memories.

Update

It's been almost two weeks since I've posted anything, so here's a quick update. The time change has screwed with the kids' I watch schedule, so they haven't been napping regularly and I haven't been able to write as much while they sleep. I've actually a little bit been making up for that lost writing time in the evenings and weekends, but at those times I've been writing job applications since I only have my current position through the end of the school year. I've also been thinking a lot about life and career goals and what my long term plans (or perhaps lack of plans) are, but I need to sort all of that out more before I can post anything about it. In the mean time, if you know anyone in PA looking for childcare please let me know.

Newness

So apparently I've been slacking on the blog front...

I spent a large chunk of this past fall stressing over work, school, relationships, and my in ability to balance everything. I decided I needed to cut stress, so I planned to make some changes for the beginning of the new year. I also found some unexpected changes happening, which led to a whole lot of newness in my life.

Newness:

Unexpected: New Boyfriend - Ironically, or perhaps by fate, I met a really great guy the day after the guy I had been dating dumped me. He's cute, he's fun, he's silly, he's mature (well, at least in the important stuff :-p), he treats me well, he's a poet, he passes friends' approval, and is all around wonderful to have in my life.

Planned: New Job - working in the daycare center was becoming to much stress, so I decided to look for a job as a nanny and leave the daycare center. The change of pace has been just what I needed, and also left me with more time and energy for thinking and writing.

Planned by Default: No Classes - When it came time to register for spring semester classes I was running short on mental energy to plan what classes I wanted to take. I also wasn't sure what my work schedule would look like, so by default my lack of energy to plan for classes led to me not taking any classes this semester. While it's slightly disappointing that I can't do everything well all at once, I feel good about taking a break from school to settle into other new things.

Added Bonus: New Writing Time and Goals - While I'm nannying I can use the time the kids are napping for writing and such. Since I'm not taking classes I can also use the time I would have set aside for homework to do creative writing. I'm hoping this post will kick my blog back into gear (I even have some other stuff written I intend to post, I just haven't gotten around to it yet). I also have some other writing goals I'm working on, but actually getting stuff posted here again is what is relevant here.

Calling

Calling. I don't know what it means to me.

I was a teenager the first time I read Jeremiah 1 in church and it was overwhelming for me, as not much more than a child, to read Jeremiah's protests that he was only a child and therefore could not speak for a God. God called him anyway saying "I'll give you words" and that gave me the terrifying, fascinating sense that God has a purpose for me and I must find it.

To think there's a grand plan for me and yet I've been left out of the loop is scary. I want to be in control. I want to know what's going on and where I'm going. I know I've spent more than enough time praying to be shown the map, given the step by step directions, and allowed to read them backwards, so I don't have to guess at where I'm going, but really what I need is trust.

The people I trust are few and far between. I don't trust easily, but when I start to trust it's the turning point in my relationships with other people, and that is what I need with God far more than I need to see the end of the mystery before I open the cover.

Prompt: Write a prayer for discernment or call to action.

Does it count if it's late?

It's been almost exactly a month since I started working on my writing goal for the year. So far I've been pretty successful. I missed one prompt completely (January 9: Write about a ceremony.), but I had other writing I was working on that day.

Some of my writing has really sucked, but it's been SOMETHING on paper (or computer as the case maybe). I'm also pleased to say I'm really proud of some of the things I've written.

Though initially my goal included posting what I wrote I quickly realized I limited my writing when I wrote with the intention of sharing, so having nixed that part of the goal I'm finding I'm writing a surprising amount of stuff I can't even share with my writing buddies.

Earlier this week I was disappointed when there was a day I didn't find inspiration for the prompt, or any other writing, and couldn't "catch up" for the prompt I missed in the next few days either, but a conversation this afternoon inspired an answer to that prompt.


My belated response to that prompt:

Outside my window,
lightning flashes,
streaking blazes,
as thunder rolls,
gray clouds grumbling,
across purple sky,
to the pounding pulse,
of torrential rain.

Prompt from A Writer's Book of Days: Look out your window; write what you see. (Jan. 20)

Wonderful Weekend Craziness

This weekend was fabulous. I spent the whole weekend at a Leadership Now Justice Summit and reunion with some of my favorite people. It was awesome - great conversations, great workshops, great people, and just the right mix of meaningful and funny moments. It kept me busy and gave me a lot to think about, but I'm happy to say I some how managed to keep up with my writing in between everything else.

I won't subject anybody to my in-cohesive rambling in response to Friday's prompt (Write about Sunday afternoon). I've also decided my writing from Saturday (Write about a time someone said no) is too personal to share. Today's writing is also really random, rambling and in-cohesive, but I'm going to share it anyway since it's vaguely related to this weekend..


Prompt from A Writer's Book of Days: You're standing in a doorway.

I'm standing in the doorway. Waiting for something. A push to move forward. An invitation in. it's like I'm on the edge of living. Not confident enough to step into the room, but wanting to enjoy the party. Like there's an invisible wall, a bubble keeping me out. I can look through the doorway, but I don't know how to step through, or maybe I'm not sure which way I'm goin, which side of the door I want to be on, I could step to one side or the other, but I don't know which to go to, or maybe I'm at the end of the hall where I'm surround by doors and I don't know which to take. I could stand up boldly for justice and sacrifice everything, if I could be brave enough. Or I could wonder along on the edge of things, subtlely hinting I believe there could be better for the world but never loud enough or brave enough to scream it from the roof tops. I could say the world is more important than me, or I could put myself, my education, my learning first for now, and hope someday I can pay it forward and more. I could step through the door and declare my faith, announce what I believe and try to impact the world, but maybe I like it in the hall, listening in to six conversations, pulling what I need from each. Maybe my place is in the hall, reaching a hand into each room, connecting people who would never step out of their four sided box rooms. Maybe if I stand in the hall and talk to the children as they're funneled towards their parents closed off rooms they'll see what I see from the hall and maybe some day the walls will fall. Maybe the doorway is the place to be.

Starting a New Notebook

The First Page

Guess what?
I've used up,
every page,
of my last notebook.
A new one calls,
with crisp white page,
just waiting to be filled.
The smell of paper,
fills my nose,
with pen in hand,
I try to say,
the perfect thing,
to start a new day,
in my writing way.



There's nothing quite like the feeling of filling a notebook. It just seems to complete a sense of accomplishment that I've written enough to fill a notebook. I may have written a lot of junk in my last notebook, but I'm proud of filling it and I even think some of it turned out pretty good. So today I'm starting a new notebook, and to start a new notebook I always struggle to find the right thing to say on the first page. It always feels as if the blank notebook is perfect and if I say the wrong thing I'll ruin it, yet all those blank pages call out begging to be filled with words. Good or bad I have lots of words to fill them, I just need to drag those imperfect words out of my head and onto the pages.

Poem and a Prayer

Heart's Desires

My reasoning head,
must fight to silence,
the illogical longings,
of my heart.
Pressing against,
my hearts desire,
to cast away,
the sanity of reason,
my mind demands,
my full attention.

My willful heart,
against all reason,
presses back,
pushing me,
from inside out,
to take a risk,
to trust the aching,
longing cry,
of beating heart,
that will not cease,
to feel the pain,
of others hurt.

I'm sure my body,
will explode,
if I can't stop,
the battle inside.

My heart must fight,
against my mind,
to say the thing,
that's deep inside.
To speak aloud,
my hearts desire,
must surely mean,
my needs are dire.
I'm losing every sign,
of sanity,
yet the longing,
ache remains,
pressing ceaselessly.

Dear God,
Hold me close.
Give me faith to trust,
the longing you put in my heart.
Help me to be your hands.
Give me eyes to see,
the path you lay before me.
Make my heart true,
so I can serve you better.
Heal my aching,
so I can love you fully.
Let me wrap others in your love,
as you have blessed me with friends,
who wrap your love around me.

Happy New Year

As I write this it's just a few hours into 2009. I could be all nostalgic about what a great year 2008 was, or I could be all optimistic about what I'm going to do in 2009, but I'm not feeling terribly inclined to do either.

It's fun to celebrate the New Year, and growing up it was always such an exciting night, but the older I get the more I tend to wonder what we're really celebrating. Has it really been such a great year that we should celebrate? Have we really accomplished as much as we could in the year? Done as much as we should have? Lived life to the fullest, and changed the world around us? And if we're celebrating the coming year do we really think we'll accomplish everything we say we'll do?

When I was a kid my family always went to the same family's house for New Years Eve. We'd spend the evening eating shrimp and lots of munchies. The men and the kids would play with electric trains, legos, or whatever cool toys we'd get out. The women always fussed at the men to aim away from the picture windows when it came time to pop the cork on the champagne bottle.

As midnight neared we'd gather around to read last years resolutions, and write resolutions for the coming year. It was always fun to look back at what we said we'd do a year ago, but I don't think we ever accomplished most of the thing we said we'd do. We don't get to spend New Year's with the same family any more, and with that change we've fallen out of the habit of formally writing resolutions.

As I look back on 2008 I'm finding myself wondering if there are things I should have accomplished and just didn't bother to? Are there goals I could have met but didn't in the past year? It seems like the year has gone by so fast, and I don't really have much to show for it, but maybe I just expect too much of myself.... Maybe I should stop worrying about what I haven't done and be proud of what I have accomplished.

As I look ahead to the New Year part of me wants to declare out loud my goals for the year, but why bother? I know that no matter how ambitious I am about sharing goals for the year, I'm not likely to stick with or accomplish anything that I wouldn't do any way. Saying something is a New Years resolution doesn't make it any more or less realistic a goal than any other goal.

Maybe the thing I really don't like about New Years resolutions is it gives people a reason to put off working toward their goals until the New Year. When I get something in my head I want to accomplish, I tend to need to start working towards that goal in a few days, or I end up losing interest or just putting it off indefinitely. Waiting until the New Year or some other "start date" to start trying to reach a goal just doesn't work well for me. I have to accomplish as much as I can while the idea is fresh, or I get too distracted from it.

I'm sure this is rather incoherent and scatterbrained since I'm up too late to write intelligently, but I want to post it before bed anyway.... Because if I don't do it now I'm likely to get too distracted to come back to it.

Striking up a Dialogue

The past couple of months I've been working on a writing project. A few weeks ago I sent an early draft of it to a writing buddy, and when she sent it back to me nearly every place there were people she said "Again, I want to see actual dialogue here."

After the initial frustration of wondering what was wrong with my dialogue, and reading a few examples of what dialogue should look like, I set to work rewriting every snippet of conversation into "actual" dialogue. It was frustrating as hell to rewrite all my dialogue. Complaining to my writing buddy about what a pain it is to write dialogue, I stared at the same paragraphs until I couldn't see straight trying to turn them into something my writing buddy wouldn't give me grief about.

I complained a lot, and gave my writing buddy a good deal of grief for essentially telling me my dialogue wasn't real. I think I even told her I hated writing dialogue, but in the end I was glad she pushed me. Somewhere between being ready to cry in frustration over lousy dialogue, and sending my writing buddy a new draft with updated dialogue, I saw my story coming together like I've never seen my own writing coming together before.

I've never really tried to write dialogue before. I've never really tried to write anything before. I've written things, for school or just because, and been proud of some of the things I've written, but I've never had to work this hard or try so much to write something and not given up on it. In the past if something was really truly challenging to write, or if someone pointed out flaws in my writing, I was quick to decide whatever I was writing was just crap anyway.

With lots of encouragement from a few writing buddies, I challenged myself to write more than ever, and then pushed myself to make it even better. There were moments I didn't know how I could make it through the frustrations of rewriting, but the result was incredible. I still can't believe how much a little rearranging and working on the dialogue pulled my project together.

After working so hard it's amazing to see this coming together. It's wonderful to see the result of the work I put into this, and as much as I might have complained about it, I'm so grateful for friends who push me, and glad I've taken on this challenge.

Rediscovering

For years journaling has helped me to cope with challenges and emotions I didn't want to deal with. Through the most difficult parts of my life I've always kept journals, and always carefully hid them, keeping them as a secret haven for my emotions. As a teenager I realized the power of private writing, but as a young adult with with a full time job and other commitments, I haven't really kept a journal, and quite frankly haven't thought much about writing until recently.

In mid October conversations with a friend prompted me to take on a challenging "little" writing project. In working on that project the past month and a half I've rediscovered the power of writing, and come to appreciate the act of writing more than ever. I've embraced the challenge of writing again.

Being more ambitious with my writing than in the past, I'm also trying to embrace the challenge of sharing what I write. Much of my writing in the past has been closely guarded with shrouds of secrecy, and what I did let people see was often the meaningless drivel kind of writing I didn't really put myself into.

So this blog is where I'm attempting to really write - not to write to meet an agenda, not to write the meaningless drivel my attempts at writing fiction always turn into, not to write what I think people want to read, but to really write. Here is where I plan to write what I need to write, because I've realized I do have stories to tell, I can really write, and there is a point to writing.